Wednesday, 22 February 2017

If I keep looking back, I'll never move forward

Times a changing. As ever a million and one things have happened since my last post.

I would like to talk to a boyfriend I had. I broke up with him yesterday. He was emotionally abusing me. I was abused as a child, and there was an eerie comfort to his behaviour, but I had to let him go. I've tried to do this numerous times. "He's dead to me!" I'd casually proclaim. And anywhere from two days to four months later he'd worm his way in. At first I thought it was just me being 'weak', but having spoken to my friend Ash, she assured me it was him. She had been stuck in a similar relationship with an equally manipulative man and it took her 6 years to get out. Great, something to look forward to. /s

It was a strange 18 months. At first he was nice, but then so was I. We are all on our best behaviour in the beginning. We weren't dating back then; in fact, we were only 'boyfriend and girlfriend' for the last two weeks. I referred to him as my part-time-boyfriend, a nicer term than fuck-buddy and less annoying than 'friends with benefits'. As time progressed he started to change, I noticed, and I changed. I was more defensive, I'd find myself responding like with like. Abuse or be abused, is a motto in my confused mind. I stepped back, unhappy with my behaviour, and so I was being abused.

And strangely enough, even though I knew, I couldn't leave. I was aware of his little moves, because I've done it before too. I've played that game many a time; however, at the time I was unaware. I knew I wasn't being nice to my partners, but only now do I realise where that was coming from. He has similar attachment problems as I do, and I felt a kinship. I knew where he was coming from, I understand why he behaves like that. And that's just me making myself feel guilty, without adding his.

He would gaslight me and emotionally manipulate me into having sex with him. He would disrespect my house, he was always late, he was never there when I needed him, but always there when he wanted me. He'd make me feel guilty about going on a road trip, but was 'too busy' to see me if I stayed. He'd want to know who was in his van, and sitting in his chair. On the extremely rare occasions he bought me something [one can of cider] he'd make a big deal out of it, yet he would often drink my drink. He'd complain that I wasn't drinking fast enough, and that I was spoiling his mood, because I wasn't being 'fun'. He would loudly reminisce about the 'good old times' when I would get drunk and lose my inhibitions. After I'd driven to his house, he would moan that I'm making him walk 10 minutes to a suitable stopping place, a stopping place I'd chosen as he'd make a big scene about me parking outside his mother's house. Of course, he wasn't 'moaning', he was merely commenting on where I had parked, and he would apologise that I've taken it the wrong way, and then he'd ask if I had a hard day at work.

He did obviously have some good points, some damn right charming ones too. I shan't get into them here. I don't want to read this later and start to miss him.

I finally realised during counselling last week, that I felt trapped. And that was thoroughly unacceptable. Last night I sent him a final message. I was unsure whether it was 'acceptable' to end a relationship via text, but was reassured by Ash, that under no circumstances should I talk to him, as he will find a way in. She'd once gone to break up with her one, and ended up having sex with him. That's happened to me before too.

I've done what I can, I've sent a message, blocked him on all platforms and deleted his numbers. Now I just need to wait for him to start calling from every other phone he can get his hands on.

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