Sounds like an amazing episode of The Big Bang Theory.
I have massively exciting news to share [you'll soon learn that I find most things exciting]!
I've finally bought a tent! After doing far too much research than was necessary, I opted for the Quechua 2-Seconds 2 (who names this shit?) A pop-up masterpiece, as it should be, considering it cost £45 from Decathalon. Which was cheaper than both Amazon and eBay. I hate green. I love red. The red tent was two-toned with orange. And now I own a green tent. I want to blend in with the trees and shit like a ninja. Not make cows want to attack me. Yes, I know that won't happen, but I'm scared of cows, and we can discuss the giant-milk-beasts another time.
I bought a sleeping bag too, a Vango Blah Blah 2 [can't be bothered to look]. It's a 3-season bag suitable from minus 2 - 20 degrees England. I also bought a Quechua A200 self-inflating mattress which was very comfortable. How do I know it was comfortable? Why I tested it of course.
Yes, in the middle of Decathalon. OK, so not in the middle-middle. I was in the camping section. I did't head over to football and freak out the Chavs. I'm saving that joy for next time. For those of you who don't know, Decathalon is a chain of ridiculously huge sports shops, that sell equipment for sports you didn't know existed until that very day. I found a safe area, put myself into a sleeping bag and plonked myself down onto the mattress. I say 'plonked', because I cannot for the life of me, zip myself into a mummy sleeping bag lying down. Therefore I got in from the top, and like a freaking caterpillar, wriggled into the desired position. People were looking at me as if I was crazy [this is not unusual]. Some even laughed at me, but I laughed back, which made them think I was crazier. But THEY were the crazy ones! At least I know I'm going to be comfortable. It could've been horrendous. Although admittedly, you can't lean on your side, your hips will not appreciate it - this is a strictly horizontal affair. But saying that, it was far more comfortable than the expensive sexy-looking offering from Quechua. What shocked me, was the amount of people that were buying the £5 pieces of foam, that would be more useful as a bath mat than a mattress.
Tested the tent whilst I was there too. They have them permanently pitched outside, which is great - if you're homeless. Not so great if you're a customer wanting to get inside one, as it was covered in leaves and Mc Donalds. Back inside, I found a sales assistant and asked her to clean it. Shocked, and not very good at English, she directed me to another sales assistant. And once she'd recovered from the shock of being asked to work, she decided it would be easier to open a new one. Note to self; always buy tents from the back of the pile. This probably goes against all the rules for pop-up tents, but I find them easier to put down than up. What? It's scary! One minute you have a small, safe disc in your hand and then BOOM a giant tent is flying towards your face. I have a feeling it's just me. I think the trick is to throw it far enough, so that it doesn't hit you, but not far enough to suggest you're giving it to the people across the field.