Wednesday, 22 May 2013

I don't want to go…

It's getting hard now, I'm getting scared, and worried about the what ifs.

What if I can't find any work? What if I'm stuck in the car for two weeks with nowhere to go? What if this happens? What if that happens?

I don't handle being on my own very well. This adventure is a huge personal challenge; the nights spent alone on the side of the road looming ever closer. How am I going to deal with all of this? I've always believed that the best way to learn is to just jump in, but am I setting myself up to drown?

What I know, is that I'm not happy in London. The live-to-work mentality. Working your ass off all week to rent a room. Or the idea of spending an extortionately large of money, and years of your life to 'train to be something'. Apparently, being a human being is not enough,  you have to 'be something'. I have absolutely no idea what I'm looking for, I just hope it slaps me in the face - hard.  

I'm not being very proactive about leaving either, I'm stalling. I want to say to everyone that I've changed my mind, but that would be embarrassing. I'd be admitting defeat before even trying. Sometimes being stubborn has its drawbacks. I feel like this is my chance. The one chance I've been waiting for to be me. To find out who I really am, without the input of family, friends and assorted well wishers. Yet realistically, I'm scared to find out who I really am. Think about it. What if I don't like me? I was trained as a child to be whatever my mother required, as and when she required it, so my thoughts and emotions at any given time were irrelevant. I learned to ignore them. And that ethos has stayed with me. That amongst other things, confuses people. To them I'm bubbly, eloquent and confident; but it's a way of life as opposed to the way I am. I find being talkative and bubbly prevents people from realising I'm hurting. People don't stop and ask what is wrong, when you're making them laugh all the time.

This is the challenge for me. This is what I'm scared of. Not where to work, or how to get money; but how to be alone and find myself whilst not have another breakdown in the process.  

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