Thursday, 1 August 2013

Skegness and the Asshole

Went to Boston. Just as embarrassing as California. We should be ashamed. They stole our place names, and made them better than we could ever imagine.
I've been driving through 'The Fens'. That basically translates to, dry-ass boring flat part. There was a sign for a hill and I got excited, essentially it was a glorified hump. It was the fastest I've driven since being on the road. Look left, flat field. Look right, flat field. Drive 5 miles and repeat. Not all countryside was created equal. God must have been distracted that day.

There are some strange place names in England. I drove past Old Leake, Ingoldmellis and Hagworthingham. I don't know who made this shit up, but I want what he was smoking.

I pulled into a forest carpark to cook some food. Made pasta and mackrell. No pineapple this time. A stoat ran past. Feeling all National Geographic and shit. As I was admiring the location, a family pulled up. Man, wife, two kids. He was emotionally and verbally abusing his wife. He sent a son to find his lighter; he didn't find it. You're so stupid, I bet you've fucking moved it, shouted the asshole. I was very upset on her behalf, and the children. When it was further away, I walked over to her, with a map, pretending to be lost. I told her what I needed to say, "You're a wonderful person, and you deserve better. Look after yourself." I know, she said sadly. And with that I left the area. As much as I wanted to confront the asshole, I knew I couldn't, as once I'd left, he'd take it out on her.

Important information; I've now driven 2000 miles :-)

Skegness. Wow. Just wow. I cannot express in words the sheer number of caravans. Why, for the love of all things blue, would these people chose to stay in a metal box. Next to hundreds of other boxes. As soon as I drove in, I encountered a Ford Fiesta with go faster stripes. Then there was a sea of Fiestas and Clios highlighted by the dilapidated walls decorating the seafront. More fish and chip shops than were humanly required; at one point 4 in a row. It was one of the worst places I've seen, and yet it was packed with orange people. There was a car park there with a sign, highlighting 18 parking contraventions, and the associated fees payable. Most were £70. Avoid Skegness at all costs. Most of the British seasides are run down, with mismatched, often garish signage. And the 'resorts' are laughable at best. No wonder people mock us about them.

Differences compared to London. No internet cafes, no halal signs and no £1 a bowl. Wooo! Pick your own strawberries are very common. From a field. On the side of a main road. The human is there till 5pm. But the field doesn't move. Why not pick them for free at 6pm? Another weird thing they do, is sell eggs from little carts at the end of driveways and farm entrances. Sometimes they'd have fruits, veg, jams and pickles too. With a note of the prices and a box to put the money in, with no supervision. The first time I saw one, I stared at it for ages. Imagine that in London. Not only would someone take the eggs, and the money, they'd take the damn cart too.

I'll end with two business names, they obviously chose whilst on drugs. The 'Linga Longa' fish and chip restaurant, and a pub called 'My Fathers Mustache'.

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