What's the plan?
There never really is a plan. I could describe the basis of the plan, as trying to find meaning. A meaning in this life, that does not evolve around possessions. Being defined as who you are, by what you do. To understand what it is to be human, to experience all that life has to offer. And to find that, I need to look.
I need to be able to move. To explore. To find. To search. To stumble. To somehow reach an awareness, a place in which the world makes sense. A place, not physical, but within myself, where I am comfortable. Where I feel at one with myself, and my desires. Not to be oppressed by what I should be doing.
Many people talk of the "should". I should settle down. I should get a mortgage. I should prescribe to the rules that society dictates to me. Well fuck society. Why should I spend my entire life saving and working towards the end goal, that ultimately leaves me with four walls, a roof and accumulated possessions I own, displayed like trophies of a glorious life. A life which at the end, is often hollow and alone.
I am not a religious person, as you may know. I am not a spiritual person. That is what I tell myself. The logic fights the notion of the spirit; as if somehow they are enemies. Where I got this opinion from, I do not know. But I know [much to the irritation of logic], that is needs to change. I must embrace the connection of the universe, as the [previously thought of as crazy people] do. I often denied it, but I was faced with evidence of this 'energy', I've heard of. I noticed it when I hugged people. Sometimes I'd feel this warm, and frankly irritating feeling. But something was happening, and I wasn't hungry. OK, so that's not the entire basis as to why I want to 'connect with nature', but it would take far to long to type. And besides, most of it is just a feeling. I feel that I'm supposed to be doing something. Something is calling me. It would be a lot easier if it just sent a text.
I've decided I'm going to buy a camper van. I have a strong desire to move. I've never liked to be in once place. I've realised I'm a nomad. For years I believed I was wrong. That I wasn't supposed to move so many times. I'm 30 years old and I've moved more than 20 times, 30 plus if you include 'popping back' to the family home. I've had over 20 jobs, attempted college over 10 times. Nothing ever seemed interesting enough. Or important enough. I'd grow tired of the same routine. Walking down the same road, doing the same tasks at work. Jack of all trades, master of none. Somehow perceived as an insult. For me, the highest compliment. I'd rather be known for nothing and know a multitude of things; than to know one thing so well, there was time for little else. I respect the human who knows everything there is to know about cars; but what else do you know? To have a one all encompassing interest in life, to me is something to hide behind. Or perhaps the simple enjoyment of things. Who am I to say they are not satisfied with their choice.
I'm apprehensive about getting a van. Setting off on a new adventure. To step fully into the unknown. To place myself in the hands of my choices. To open myself up, and allow myself to welcome the opportunities that the universe provides. I could always stay in bed and hide under the duvet. A difficult choice.
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