Tuesday, 30 July 2013

War of the Walls.

So I took Reg up on his offer, and went to stay on his drive. Of course before bedtime, I was allowed in the house. I should have expected the lack of cleanliness,  but I was unprepared. Never, in my life, have I seen a house so dirty. There were leaves all over the kitchen floor, the carpet was unidentifiable, there were slugs living in the kitchen and cobwebs. Oh my sweet tuna, the cobwebs. It looked like something out of the Adams family. That aside [for now] the best part was going to see his babies. No, not the rodents, which probably lived there too, but his plants. Hidden away, down secret passages and hidden doors. Shocked was not the word. That's one way to pay for your retirement. He doesn't care, as they'll only slap him on the wrist if he gets caught. Which he might do, because his house smells very inviting. It was a smokers paradise. Then, he showed me the bathroom. And the bath that was still full, of the most grey, grey water you've ever seen. He keeps the water to flush the toilet with. Fair enough, but I don't know what went into that bath, because I never saw him change his clothes in three days, let alone wash. The first night he offered me dinner. He was eating noodles. Phew, built in wheat excuse. I'm so glad I wasn't allowed to stay inside, because I'd have died.

Morning arrived and I was offered some tea. So I went to was the dishes [and clean the kitchen]. There was no hot water. I asked him to turn it on, and he moaned about 'London people wasting money heating water JUST to wash up'. What do you do? I foolishly asked. I just put it down for the dog and then rinse it off. Rinse. Not wash. Rinse. Feeling thirsty, and a little sick, we went to the boat yard, blah blah blah and then back to his house. He offered me dinner. Damn. It was chicken and rice. I'll spare you the highly questionable preparation methods used. I got out of it. Or so I thought. He ranted at me, pissed off that I'd eat Dan's food but not his. Um, that's because Dan would rather cut his hand off than eat from a dog washed plate - as would I. He didn't understand what our problem was. Our problem. Not his, ours.

I couldn't look at them anymore, so I decided to do something about the cobwebs. Armed with a snooker cue and a wet sock, I went in. Words cannot express how many there were. Every room was disgusting, but the passageway ceiling was covered. Every corner, even straight walls. I had to rinse the sock over 15 times. Yes, I was wearing gloves. It was time to tackle the back of the passage door. This cobweb, no exaggeration was stretching 2ft to the left and right and then 3ft down, plus it went back 2ft across the ceiling. Massive. This was the arachnid headquarters. I moved in quickly, flanking the army. Swoop and swish. Into the bathroom to dunk them into the grey abyss. I approached quietly as it was time to attach the central hub. And that's when I saw him, the leader! He was huge and making a run for it. I attacked, but he deflected, darting back into a bunker. But I had my sock and I was determined to put an end to this war. Whack, he's on the move again, but this time I was prepared, and he went down. I decided to leave the other 10+ spiders in there, mainly because something had to eat all those flies.

On the 16th I finally left the boat yard [yes I'm very far behind]. I went back to the church for a shower and it felt good! I don't need to explain why I didn't shower at Regs'. Also washed my hair and my clothes. And had two cups of tea. If I wasn't an atheist, I'd have joined that church. He even gave me more free food. And remembered my [fake] name. Had a ghetto lunch in a Tesco carpark. Mackerel and pineapple in a can. No, not together. They were in separate cans. But I did use the same fork. I know. Hard times. After less than 5mins I'm rushing like a lunatic to the toilet. I literally had to run into Tesco. Wont be eating that combo again. For dinner I warmed some soup in a forest carpark. At first it felt weird, breaking out the stove like a homeless dude, but rags, I was hungry. Decided to clean the car ashtray, and obliterate it at the same time. Nice.

Went to California, yes, we have one, and no, its not worth visiting. Most of the time I drove around feeling sorry for the poor folk living in caravans, but none more than these. Imagine being 10 and your mum saying 'Hey, we're going to California'. You don't understand how depressing it was. But there were orange folk nevertheless. Best part was the 'maze', open all year round. Except at this time of the year, it's 2ft tall and you can see the end. Idiots.

The woodland I had soup in looked awesome, but it was too late to investigate, so I went back the next day. It's called 'Pretty Corner Woods'. Aptly named. Walked into it and saw a sign of what nature to look out for on your walk. The Adder. Right. Back to the car for giant pronged stick. I was walking through that bad boy like a freaking ninja. I still stayed for an hour. It was so peaceful and quiet. After leaving there I went to Beaconsthorpe and then Bingham castle. I saw people relaxing on the grass, felt annoyed, and now I need a picnic blanket to join in.

Last note for today - parking charges. Holy tuna. They wanted £4 to park at the beach. In a field. And you know what? The dammed thing was full. Stupid people.

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