Monday, 10 June 2013

Never underestimate the power of double glazing

What a night, and what a day. Clocked up 170 miles since last post. And my legs are not happy with me. This might have something to do with all the stairs, but we'll get back to that.

I left the relative comfort of Southend and headed into Kent. By 6pm, I was exhausted. I attribute some of that to having a hangover. I saw a sign for a hospital and followed it. And followed it. And followed it. After 25 years had passed I got to the end of a strange little road, and was shocked to find that there was indeed a hospital at the end of it. A private hospital. After using the toilet, I had a little nap and decided I was going to stay there for the night. A few hours later, I realised how much I miss double glazing. Birds, when you're surrounded by woodlands are loud. I mean freakishly loud. We've all stayed up till 4am and heard the four pigeons and one robin chirping in our London-based gardens, and thought they were annoying. This was a symphony orchestra from hell. I'm sure there were millions of the flying-beasts in there. Suddenly there was a bang on the car, and I nearly shit myself. Turns out a bird shit himself, all over the roof. Nice.

I was cold, hungry and to be honest, a little scared. I'd only slept in my car once before and I was feeling suicidal at the time, and couldn't give a damn what could happen. Now that I don't want to die, we have to take precautions. Precautions, being a can of deep heat to spray in their eyes. It works [I tested it] and it's legal, if not a little strange. It was difficult. I woke up every hour, only in part due to the sleeping-bag. In the end I decided that 5am was a sensible time to wake up, and I continued my journey. I've never seen 5am before, except for a boot-sale Sunday. I hope tonight will be better, but I doubt it. Tomorrow I'm sleeping on a sofa. I've never been so excited to sleep on a sofa before.

Dead Badger :(
Saw my first ever real-life-not-in-a-zoo heron and saw a badger close up - mainly because he was dead in the middle of the road. They have huge claws. Mildly happy he's dead, might have attacked me. Saw billions of rabbits [estimation]. You rarely see a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and that's because they are sensible and move fast. Squirrels [my favourite animal] are often found in the road, and now I know why. They are stupid. I had to almost stop the car because one was so confused it kept running around in circles.

Had to pee in a bush. Not many Mc Donalds on the country lanes.  Not much of anything, bar trees. Thankfully I like trees. Went to "check-in" on Google Latitude and Hogwarts was listed as a destination. What an exciting invitation to explore. I had to check it out. They lied. It was a 2-bed semi.
Pee Bush!

Went to Pratt's Bottom. Nothing to say about it. The name is funny enough on its own. Four times today I unintentionally went to the same place more than once. On one occasion I did it three times, from both sides of the road. I must have an internal circle mechanism. Perhaps I'm turning into a squirrel. I saw a 3-legged dog and his owner was limping with a walking stick. Seriously, it was funny. Went to a 'beach'. The tourist board needs to go to South Africa and see what a beach should look like. I'd describe it as a large
pile of rocks surrounded by dirty water. Driving behind hay trucks is fun as you get a hay shower for entertainment. Not so fun when large clumps fall off and you need to swerve.

Reeds are massive!

After many hours, I finally found a supermarket and proceeded to freshen up in the disabled toilet. Wasn't so bad, and I felt better for it. Got some fruit for breakfast and some soda crystals so I can wash my clothes tomorrow. Been driving around all day with washing hanging across the handles on bungee strap. I'm a hobo on wheels; check me out.

Found two nice villages - Shoreham and Lenham, but sadly were spoilt by too many cars. Currently in Sittingbourne [should be renamed Shittingbourne], in a Mc D's carpark surrounded by Chavs wheel-spinning their Corsas and Fiestas. The things you do for free WiFi.

Rochester Castle
View of Cathedral From Rochester Castle
Highlight of the day was visiting Rochester and Upnor Castles. Both seeped in history and well worth the visit. This is where the stairs come in. Over 200 in one and no one knows how many in the other. What's worse is they're all wonky, then either too shallow or too steep. Take a moment to think of the soldiers that had to do that every day. Oh, and allow me to save you some time. Maidenhead and Grain et al, are drab, disappointing and uninviting. As such they should be avoided. Sometimes I wonder why these people live in the countryside, only to have a run down council house and one corner shop, that seemingly closes at 2pm. 

In conclusion, I had a fantastic day driving the country lanes, and now I'm getting out of this car-park whilst I still can.

1 comment:

  1. Rochester Castle is one of my favourite places in Britain! :)