Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Reality 2 [KMT]

Now I'm furious. I'd already written this post, it was awesome and now it's gone. To be replaced by this half-hearted tribute, Tenacious D style. And only half the post. The reflective half. You'll have to laugh tomorrow, when things seem amusing to me once more.

Here's the breakdown. Missing Silver and Lills, the rest of you I never saw as often so the phone is fine. Been feeling down these last few days. Missing human contact. Need hugs. I miss Lills trying to kill me when I hug her and I'm missing number 1 hugs too.

Making progress. Things are interesting and worth doing even when alone. Before this trip, I believed things done alone were not worth doing, and must be shared with another to have value. Yet here I am, sharing with no one and still enjoying the experience for what it is.

I've only been gone 10 days, yet it feels like months and months have passed. I've been spending a lot of time alone, which us attributing to the sadness. I took great lengths in London to avoid being alone, even tolerating people I didn't like. Being alone is one of my greatest fears. My mind, left alone, with no distraction. I shudder to think. One day I'm going to sit somewhere alone, no books, phones or tablets and just be. I'll start with 30 minutes. Let's not be too drastic, that's already 25 minutes longer than my best time. I've had less to smoke this week, than I'd usually have in a day, and I don't miss it nearly as much as I anticipated. I'm happy with that.

Making all my own decisions has been interesting. I've made decisions before of course, but everyone always adds their little 'suggestions'. For seemingly the first time in my life, I've made every decision. Uninfluenced by nothing other than the look of the road ahead. And there's no one to blame should things go wrong. Here I am, grabbing responsibility by the balls. Scary shit.

I'm three days behind on the blog now, so tomorrow I'll have some serious tablet smashing to do. And on that note, me gone - I've got a castle to explore!

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